Holding on to Hope in Uncertain Times
Writing on Medium is often difficult for me because no matter how hard I try not to, I find myself going deep into my emotions to share the pieces I write on this blog. This particular piece has weighed heavily on my mind since I read about the death of Cheslie Kryst. She was an attorney, a former Miss USA, a TV Correspondent, and a model. In January 2022, at the age of 30, she took her life. At her memorial service, family and friends spoke about the impact she had on their lives. Her mother described her as unapologetically herself. Going on to say that Cheslie lived her life, sowing seeds through her philanthropy, advocacy, and her care for others. In an earlier statement, her mother had said that Cheslie suffered from high functioning depression. She urged people present at the service to take care of their mental health.
I am by no means a mental health expert but I understand the sense of despair that makes a person feel like the only way out is to end their life. This is a foreboding feeling. Nobody should have to go through that, especially not alone. The period of 2018–2020 was the most difficult season of my life. Don’t get me wrong, there were several highlights in that period. However, for the first time in my life, I considered suicide in 2018. However, my head and heart reminded me of how my children would suffer if I died. Fast forward to 2020, with the pandemic and all the uncertainties it brought, those thoughts came back and haunted me. I remember having a panic attack while running errands, on one of those days. My heart was palpitating so fast, I could not breathe. I started crying helplessly and I wanted so desperately to escape. What made it worse was that I did not think I had anywhere to run to. I felt trapped. It was an ominous feeling and there seemed to be no end in sight. In that period, I stopped writing, stopped running, and started doing unhealthy stuff. Although, I sunk myself into my work and was working twice as hard and delivering on every career expectation. I was having barely four hours of sleep. I only went through the motions because I had to be a mother and be fully present and whole for my children as we navigated the pandemic. I remember some days on my drive to work, thoughts about driving off the bridge would flood my mind. Every day was a mental battle, winning daily became a requirement. I only had to imagine my children alone without their mother and I could not imagine hurting them that way. Positive affirmations, prayers, Bible study, you name it, I did it but nothing seemed to be working. I kept sinking into that horribly dark place. At this point, I knew I needed help. I reached out to a friend who recommended a therapist. The therapist asked if I had depressive episodes, I said no. I told her that I was only struggling with anxiety. Then she sent me a few assessment questions to understand how best to embark on my treatment. Alas, after the assessment, we learned that I had anxiety and I was borderline depressed. I always thought I was beyond struggling with depression. I was only besieged with anxiety. Therapy helped me unpack the mental troubles I faced. It also helped me to see the effect it had on my health and relationships. All I can say is that therapy saved my life. I know it can be expensive but therapy helps. Please do not get me wrong, I am not close to perfect but I am healing. Daily, I deliberately work towards my healing, some days I fail and on others, I succeed. Although, the successful days outnumber the days of failure.
Of course, the picture I presented to the world was different. My social media activity did not reflect the turmoil in my mind. This is why I find it insensitive when people say that they are going through difficult times and others are quick to dismiss their feelings because they look happy online or on the outside. We forget that what we see on social media is perfectly curated content for public consumption. Thanks to therapy, my faith, and an amazing community, I am in a good place in my life. I am grateful for every day. I try to live fully while trying to be a blessing to anyone I meet. I now have so much love in my heart that I want to share it with the world. I am no longer the sad and anxious person I was. Some dark days come, but I take each day as it comes and I am not trying to rush through moments because they aggravate the anxiety I contend with. I know that my story pales next to some other person’s mental health troubles. I do not write this to diminish other people’s experiences but it is to shed light on the possibilities that exist when we hope.
Why do I share this with the world? To be honest, I do not know. A part of me is afraid that I am going to be judged by people after this piece is published. It might even ruin my chances at meaningful and wholesome relationships because some people might think that I am a mental case. However, I say this to tell someone that I have been there. I understand the despair that comes with hopelessness.
I understand what it feels like to think that nobody gets it, maybe they don’t. This is not about them, it is about you. About your mental wellness, about the fact that you are not on earth to merely exist but to flourish. Life has its highs and lows. Dealing with the ups and downs is part of our humanity. Nonetheless, I would like to remind us that the storm does not last always. In situations where it seems like you are going through a never-ending storm, ask for help. Stop and rest, if you need to. In spite of how the storm rages, I beg you, don’t freeze, keep going.
Please ask for help.
There may be a stigma that comes with admitting to needing help with our mental health but the stigma is nothing compared to the turmoil your mind goes through when you struggle alone.
Help is never far from you, you may just need to ask for it. I wish Cheslie, reached out to someone and asked for help, maybe the world would still have her beautiful energy. I wish the thousands of teenagers and children who died from suicide had not been afraid to ask for help, we would probably still have them here with us. Dear You, please, do not be ashamed neither be afraid. I pray that your heart is discerning enough that it reaches out to the right people who will give you the support you need to navigate difficult times.
Hope, what is hope?
Hope is a beautiful English word that I believe is rich with meaning. It is in the expectation that whatever is ahead of us is favourable. Hope is in knowing that a current situation is not the end of the story. Hope is in knowing that bigger and better lies ahead as we embark on our different journeys. It is in daring to believe that all is not lost but that something good will come. The most important for me is this; hope lies in the rising of the sun and the setting of the same. With each new day that comes with sunrise, we are reminded that beauty still exists somewhere, we only need to believe. Hope is a deep-seated belief that things will get better or circumstances will improve. My Christian faith has helped me navigate difficult times because I am reminded of persons in the Bible who dared to hope. I am reminded that God has plans for us and his plans towards us are those of peace and not of evil to give us a future and a hope (an expected end). Dear You, hold on to hope, it is what you need to get through the dark days. Remember that the storm won’t last forever when you see the ominous clouds forming over your head. My mum always said, a thousand years is not forever, now I get it. I pray the darkness does not last a thousand years for you. Rather, I pray that you get the courage to ask for help and the resilience to contend with the storm because I know that eventually, YOU WILL WIN.
You are not alone, there is light at the end of the tunnel, this is not the end. Hold on to hope, life has a lot of beauty in store for you. I end this by saying that, I hope you receive my words, they are quite heavy and deep, I know. I chose to share this part of myself with the world because I know someone out there needs to be reminded of how important they are to the earth, God, and humanity. I pray they do not give up on life.
Side Note: Mentally Aware Nigeria is a not for profit organisation doing amazing work in supporting young people as they navigate mental health traumas amidst social difficulties.
