So… this is 40!
I woke up this morning wondering how I was going to feel at 40. For everyone who I had asked what it was like to turn 40 they said, it is the age when you stop to give a fuck. Others said, it felt different or it felt good. My brother, Gbube said, there is nothing to it. I guess that was the most comforting of everything that was said to me about turning 40. To be honest, I entered 2021 with slight trepidation, I asked myself, am I enough, have I done enough, can I do enough, and is my enough good enough?
Trepidation because I wonder if I have failed at life and if I have enough time to make up for my perceived failures. In 2019, I wrote a letter to my future self and I told her to be kinder to herself. Sadly, I did not listen. I reminded future Tsema of her resilience and strength every time life threw something difficult at her. I reminded her that she is worthy of love, she deserves generosity, and that I know she has had to withstand a lot but she is stronger than she gives herself credit for. I told my future self to walk out of any relationship that was tearing her apart. I told her to walk away without caring about what the world thought about her. Not because people in our lives are irrelevant but because no one knows your story better than you. Today, I am repeating the same things to myself.
2020 took a massive toll on my mental health, to the extent that I was on the verge of doing something drastic to end it. I knew that if I did not decide to save myself, something irreversible was going to happen and so I filed for divorce. My marriage was killing me. Like slow poison it destroyed me with each day I stayed in it. I made the most difficult decision in my life, I walked away from a marriage of 14 years because it was killing me in numerous ways. A dear friend and mentor had given me a prior warning, she told me that this phase of my life would be very lonely. Indeed, the road to divorce is a lonely one. Some days are horrible, others are good. However, the bad days are more than the good ones. I hope it gets better with time.
Now, that is my failure. A lot of people say, oh but Tsema, you have not failed, there are several reasons you had to walk away. Kind words of encouragement but it still does not change the fact that I could not give my children a two-parent home. Life has been a rollercoaster, betrayed by a few friends, called an embarrassment, another aunt called me selfish and manipulative because I refused to give her any more access to me, my ex called me wicked and went on a smear campaign. I look at myself and wonder, am I this horrible person they all say that I am? Then I am reminded that broken people break people. I am happy though because true happiness is being at peace.
I am no saint. However, because I understand how the heart can feel incredible pain. I am mindful not to inflict any type of hurt on others. That kind of hurt is so deep, you are praying that God takes the pain away while soaking your pillows with tears every night.
Life has been an interesting journey but I am grateful for my story. I am grateful that I learned to use my pain to support others. I am grateful that God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. So this is 40. I believe I have found Tsema now. Tsema knows who she is. She knows what she wants. Tsema is willing to put in the hard work and show her children that their hopes can come to pass and their dreams can come true.
To my future self,
Love yourself enough to be okay with people not wanting you in their lives. Love yourself enough to accept situations you cannot control. You are beautiful, you are smart, you are intelligent, and you are kind. You will thrive. Life is not a race, you compete with no one but your former self. Remember that vulnerability is not a weakness, tomorrow is not promised, and it is okay not to be in a box. Be deliberate with your actions. Love deeply, think kindly of others and show compassion. Hold on to your values, they have brought you this far. The essence of your being is to help people, learn to balance your polarities and I am sure you will be fine. Fail fast, listen to other people, let go of preconceived notions, and stop diminishing yourself.
It is time to soar higher than you ever soared before. Do it afraid. Cheers to the next 40 years. You will do well Shem, because… Phil 4:13
