Ancora imparo — “yet, I am learning”.
I am entering into a new era. Do I know what this new era looks like? I am still determining. However, this new era is necessary and it is one where I intend to guard myself fiercely. This is because I have been vulnerable to a lot of wrong people. I have learned that you can be friends with people who are not friends with you. It feels like I do not learn my lesson when trust is broken. I thought that vulnerability allows people to feel safe with you but I find myself asking another question. What does safety mean for me? Could it possibly mean something different to others? That said, I am not sure I liked the old me very much. She allowed herself to be disrespected and she desperately sought acceptance in places that were unnecessary for her growth journey. Those moments left me feeling powerless and I hated it.
Inspired by the powerlessness that women feel, I decided to put my fingers on the keyboard to write this piece. This feeling resonated more recently when I sat in a room with young feminists and heard them discuss their feminism. They talked about what it felt like living as women in today’s society, and the powerlessness they felt because they were women. Sometimes, the multiple intersections of our femininity translate to how society treats us, whether it is in our marital statuses, our levels of education, our tribes, our sexuality, our economic standing, the colour of our skin, and even the texture of our hair. Sitting in that conversation, I felt privileged. Privileged, because these women felt safe to share their fears, anxieties, stories, and hopes with me and other women. This conversation with young female feminists was one of the most beautiful experiences I have had this year. Firstly, it was raw and honest. Secondly, I saw young Nigerian women holding space for each other. Finally, it was a humbling experience for me, being the oldest in the room, and learning that my experiences are not peculiar to me. Other women had similar experiences, fears, hopes, and dreams. I was not in a hurry to speak but to listen and to receive from them. I have always been unapologetic of my feminist beliefs but it does not remove from the fact that I struggle with asserting myself sometimes. I consistently fight battles with imposter syndrome, and in some instances, I cower in a corner because I am afraid. As empowering as this conversation was for us, there were several moments when I had to hold back tears because too many things said sounded like they were reading chapters of my life. I heard young women talk about agency, community, the patriarchy, beauty standards, resilience, queer feminist voices, and a few other things in between. For me, a common denominator in the discourse was about powerlessness. Whether it was a woman who was arrested by the police for simply existing or women who were harassed in their homes because they defended other women. Women who were assaulted, harassed, bullied, and undermined because they were women. I have had a fair share of similar incidents of harassment. From my years in university years, or during my time in camp during my year of service as a national corp member. I got slapped by a drunk military officer at the camp because I was standing up to him when a roommate was sick and we needed to leave the camp because she needed medicines. Sometimes, women are put in harm’s way because of the simple fact that they stand up for themselves and others.
The powerlessness women feel is very profound. I shared here a few years ago that I was going through a divorce. The process has been long, draining, and nothing less than toxic. On many occasions, I have been angrier at myself than in the process. Angry, because I have felt powerless multiple times. The powerlessness is in knowing that poorly behaved people get away with consistent abuse. The powerlessness is in the fact that I find myself failing a lot. This powerlessness can also be translated to the workplace. Women constantly need to assert themselves, fighting hard to prove that we deserve a seat at the table because whether it is conscious or not, Men do not see us as equals. How do we navigate this powerlessness?
Often, we end these conversations with inspirational phrases, like “create a seat on the table”, “build your own table”, “create your own opportunities”, or “remove yourself from situations that do not serve you”.
This is easy to say but sometimes, the practicality of these may be difficult. I know. As a single mum raising three children, I can tell you that a lot of things are easier said than done. Economic freedom allows women to build opportunities for themselves but in some instances, it does not protect you from other layers of discrimination. However, the most important lesson I have learnt is that the single most important factor needed for women to push back on abuse is to build feminist platforms for action amongst ourselves. We need women to hold spaces for women. Older women need to protect younger women, and women with experience need to guide other women on the best ways to navigate their different professions. Sometimes, we need to even allow the younger women to stand on our shoulders. Women need access to money because, in popular Nigerian parlance, “Money stops nonsense”. What will these platforms for action look like? I am not sure I know. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Feminist discourse varies across regions, races, and communities. However, I believe that the underlying factor is the empowerment of women to the degree that they can protect themselves and others.
I end this by saying that in the pursuit of taking your power back, do the right thing. When you eventually enter into your era of complete power. Protect others from the things that stripped you of your power. Be gracious and kind.
